15,200 --> 00:00:20,060
A murmuring stream of thoughts that run along inside our minds most of the time.
4
00:00:20,880 --> 00:00:29,600
Sometimes, the inner voice is encouraging, calling for you to run those final few yards, "You're nearly there, keep going! Keep going!"
5
00:00:29,980 --> 00:00:35,260
Or urging you to calm down because you know it will all be okay in the end.
6
00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:37,380
But sometimes...
7
00:00:38,060 --> 00:00:41,660
...the inner voice is simply not very nice at all.
8
00:00:42,140 --> 00:00:46,460
It is defeatist and punitive, panic-ridden and humiliating.
9
00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:52,480
It doesn't represent anything like our best insights or most mature capacities.
10
00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:55,740
It's not the voice of our better nature.
11
00:00:57,280 --> 00:01:04,240
We find ourselves saying, "You disgust me," "Things always go to shit with you," or "You useless little idiot."
12
00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:07,500
Where do inner voices come from?
13
00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:11,800
An inner voice always used to be an outer voice.
14
00:01:12,300 --> 00:01:27,040
We absorb the tone of others: a harassed or angry parent, the menacing threats of an elder sibling keen to put us down, the words of a schoolyard bully, or a teacher who seemed impossible to please.
15
00:01:27,860 --> 00:01:35,760
We internalized the unhelpful voices, because at certain key moments in the past they sounded compelling.
16
00:01:36,580 --> 00:01:44,280
The authority figures repeated their messages over and over, until they got lodged in our own way of thinking.
17
00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:50,100
Part of achieving happiness and maturity involves altering our inner voices
18
00:01:50,940 --> 00:02:00,160
which means encountering equally convincing and confident, but also helpful and constructive varieties of voices over long periods
19
00:02:00,540 --> 00:02:03,520
and taking care to internalize them.
20
00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:09,240
They might be the voices of a friend, a therapist or an author.
21
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:21,440
We need to hear them often enough and around tricky enough issues that they come to feel normal and natural responses, so that eventually,
22
00:02:21,700 --> 00:02:25,540
They come to feel like things we are saying to ourselves.
23
00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:28,520
They become our own thoughts.
24
00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:34,820
The best sort of inner voice speaks to us in a gentle, kind and unhurried way.
25
00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:39,980
It should feel as if a sympathetic arm were being put around our shoulder
26
00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:48,680
by someone who had lived long and seen a great many sad things, but wasn't embittered or panicked by them.
27
00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:57,900
In certain states of humiliation around work, in many of us, there is a mocking and contemptuous voice inside one's head.
28
00:02:58,700 --> 00:03:06,560
It suggests that love, respect, and kindness only ever come via worldly success and competence.
29
00:03:07,660 --> 00:03:21,080
Our failure: not being able to make a public speech, taking time to learn to drive a car, not being especially brilliant at sales, rightly debars us from love and appreciation.
30
00:03:22,300 --> 00:03:28,340
We need to incorporate a voice that separates out achievement from love,
31
00:03:28,740 --> 00:03:41,100
that reminds us that we may be worthy of affection, even if we fail, and that being a winner is only one part, and not necessarily the most important part, of one's identity.
32
00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:44,680
This is, traditionally, the voice of the mother,
33
00:03:44,980 --> 00:03:55,540
but it might also be the voice of a lover, a poet we like, or a nine year old child chatting to his or her mom or dad about stress at the office.
34
00:03:56,160 --> 00:04:02,660
It is the voice of a person who loves you for being you, outside of achievement.
35
00:04:02,900 --> 00:04:09,960
Many of us grew up around nervous people: people who lost their tempers the moment the parking ticket couldn't be found,
36
00:04:10,340 --> 00:04:15,860
and who were knocked off course by relatively minor administrative hurdles, like the electricity bill.
37
00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:27,980
These people had no faith in themselves, and therefore, without necessarily wanting to do us harm, couldn't have much faith in our abilities either.
38
00:04:29,660 --> 00:04:33,460
Every time we faced an exam, they got more alarmed than we did.
39
00:04:33,700 --> 00:04:41,420
They always asked multiple times if we had enough to wear when we went outside, they worried about our friends and our teachers.
40
00:04:41,420 --> 00:04:45,240
They were sure the holiday was going to turn into a disaster.
41
00:04:45,700 --> 00:04:48,660
Now, these voices have become our own,
42
00:04:49,220 --> 00:04:54,980
and cloud our capacity to take an accurate measurement of what we are capable of.
43
00:04:56,020 --> 00:05:00,220
We have internalized voices of irrational fear and fragility.
44
00:05:00,740 --> 00:05:06,900
At such moments, we need an alternative voice that can pause our runaway fears
45
00:05:07,020 --> 00:05:13,940
and remind us of the strength we have latent within us, which the currents of panic have hidden from us.
46
00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:18,640
Our heads are large, cavernous spaces.
47
00:05:19,580 --> 00:05:23,660
They contain the voices of all the people we have ever known.
48
00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:33,260
We should learn to mute the unhelpful ones, and focus on the voices we really need to guide us through the thickets of life.
49
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:40,420
We humbly offer this voice, as one of the more helpful ones we might take on board.
50
00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:55,560
[Outro video, left side] From a young age, we're taught it's a terrible thing.
51
00:05:55,560 --> 00:06:01,640
So when we feel it, as we all do, we are inclined not to examine it, we just feel---
52
00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:05,280
[Outro video, right side, man]
---Regional Italian. Whatever that means.
*Chuckle*
53
00:06:05,420 --> 00:00:00,000
[Woman] It got some amazing reviews online.
A murmuring stream of thoughts that run along inside our minds most of the time.
4
00:00:20,880 --> 00:00:29,600
Sometimes, the inner voice is encouraging, calling for you to run those final few yards, "You're nearly there, keep going! Keep going!"
5
00:00:29,980 --> 00:00:35,260
Or urging you to calm down because you know it will all be okay in the end.
6
00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:37,380
But sometimes...
7
00:00:38,060 --> 00:00:41,660
...the inner voice is simply not very nice at all.
8
00:00:42,140 --> 00:00:46,460
It is defeatist and punitive, panic-ridden and humiliating.
9
00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:52,480
It doesn't represent anything like our best insights or most mature capacities.
10
00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:55,740
It's not the voice of our better nature.
11
00:00:57,280 --> 00:01:04,240
We find ourselves saying, "You disgust me," "Things always go to shit with you," or "You useless little idiot."
12
00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:07,500
Where do inner voices come from?
13
00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:11,800
An inner voice always used to be an outer voice.
14
00:01:12,300 --> 00:01:27,040
We absorb the tone of others: a harassed or angry parent, the menacing threats of an elder sibling keen to put us down, the words of a schoolyard bully, or a teacher who seemed impossible to please.
15
00:01:27,860 --> 00:01:35,760
We internalized the unhelpful voices, because at certain key moments in the past they sounded compelling.
16
00:01:36,580 --> 00:01:44,280
The authority figures repeated their messages over and over, until they got lodged in our own way of thinking.
17
00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:50,100
Part of achieving happiness and maturity involves altering our inner voices
18
00:01:50,940 --> 00:02:00,160
which means encountering equally convincing and confident, but also helpful and constructive varieties of voices over long periods
19
00:02:00,540 --> 00:02:03,520
and taking care to internalize them.
20
00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:09,240
They might be the voices of a friend, a therapist or an author.
21
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:21,440
We need to hear them often enough and around tricky enough issues that they come to feel normal and natural responses, so that eventually,
22
00:02:21,700 --> 00:02:25,540
They come to feel like things we are saying to ourselves.
23
00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:28,520
They become our own thoughts.
24
00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:34,820
The best sort of inner voice speaks to us in a gentle, kind and unhurried way.
25
00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:39,980
It should feel as if a sympathetic arm were being put around our shoulder
26
00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:48,680
by someone who had lived long and seen a great many sad things, but wasn't embittered or panicked by them.
27
00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:57,900
In certain states of humiliation around work, in many of us, there is a mocking and contemptuous voice inside one's head.
28
00:02:58,700 --> 00:03:06,560
It suggests that love, respect, and kindness only ever come via worldly success and competence.
29
00:03:07,660 --> 00:03:21,080
Our failure: not being able to make a public speech, taking time to learn to drive a car, not being especially brilliant at sales, rightly debars us from love and appreciation.
30
00:03:22,300 --> 00:03:28,340
We need to incorporate a voice that separates out achievement from love,
31
00:03:28,740 --> 00:03:41,100
that reminds us that we may be worthy of affection, even if we fail, and that being a winner is only one part, and not necessarily the most important part, of one's identity.
32
00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:44,680
This is, traditionally, the voice of the mother,
33
00:03:44,980 --> 00:03:55,540
but it might also be the voice of a lover, a poet we like, or a nine year old child chatting to his or her mom or dad about stress at the office.
34
00:03:56,160 --> 00:04:02,660
It is the voice of a person who loves you for being you, outside of achievement.
35
00:04:02,900 --> 00:04:09,960
Many of us grew up around nervous people: people who lost their tempers the moment the parking ticket couldn't be found,
36
00:04:10,340 --> 00:04:15,860
and who were knocked off course by relatively minor administrative hurdles, like the electricity bill.
37
00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:27,980
These people had no faith in themselves, and therefore, without necessarily wanting to do us harm, couldn't have much faith in our abilities either.
38
00:04:29,660 --> 00:04:33,460
Every time we faced an exam, they got more alarmed than we did.
39
00:04:33,700 --> 00:04:41,420
They always asked multiple times if we had enough to wear when we went outside, they worried about our friends and our teachers.
40
00:04:41,420 --> 00:04:45,240
They were sure the holiday was going to turn into a disaster.
41
00:04:45,700 --> 00:04:48,660
Now, these voices have become our own,
42
00:04:49,220 --> 00:04:54,980
and cloud our capacity to take an accurate measurement of what we are capable of.
43
00:04:56,020 --> 00:05:00,220
We have internalized voices of irrational fear and fragility.
44
00:05:00,740 --> 00:05:06,900
At such moments, we need an alternative voice that can pause our runaway fears
45
00:05:07,020 --> 00:05:13,940
and remind us of the strength we have latent within us, which the currents of panic have hidden from us.
46
00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:18,640
Our heads are large, cavernous spaces.
47
00:05:19,580 --> 00:05:23,660
They contain the voices of all the people we have ever known.
48
00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:33,260
We should learn to mute the unhelpful ones, and focus on the voices we really need to guide us through the thickets of life.
49
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:40,420
We humbly offer this voice, as one of the more helpful ones we might take on board.
50
00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:55,560
[Outro video, left side] From a young age, we're taught it's a terrible thing.
51
00:05:55,560 --> 00:06:01,640
So when we feel it, as we all do, we are inclined not to examine it, we just feel---
52
00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:05,280
[Outro video, right side, man]
---Regional Italian. Whatever that means.
*Chuckle*
53
00:06:05,420 --> 00:00:00,000
[Woman] It got some amazing reviews online.
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